Friday, 16 May 2025

SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE 11 - Mind-Reading and Gas-Lighting

One of the things that saddens me about this generation of progressive activists is their love of outdated stereotypes and crass generalisations. I thought we'd dealt with this sort of thing back in the 80s but no. Now if they know your demographic (young or old, man or woman, black or white) they think they know all about you. The women's rights movement is especially replete with such assumptions. It's practically a rule of feminism that women know what men think, feel and want better than men do. Sadly, as traditional masculinity forbids introspection ('navel gazing'), men often don't really know what's going on in their heads, but any man who takes an interest is as capable as anyone of being psychologically and emotionally literate. Nonetheless women have often opined confidently on what I really think, and how I really feel and what I really want, and when challenged have smiled patronisingly at me. Of course there's no way to prove either way, but it has to be so that nobody knows what your life is like better than you do. Anything else is just gas-lighting.

One basic feminist assumption is that men feel powerful and confident and are always trying to dominate women, and any less-than-ideal behaviour should be interpreted in these terms. 'Manspreading' for example is a man 'taking up space', dominating his surroundings and the people in it. Never mind that it's just more comfortable sitting that way. People who don't have half a pound of mixed giblets dangling between their legs can't be expected to understand this. I used to sit with my legs crossed as a sort of effeminate affectation back in the 80s but it's really not comfortable. Some men can be a bit inconsiderate to be sure - spreading their legs very widely but the idea that they're trying to dominate the room is a bizarre piece of cod-psychology. As usual I'm not saying it never happens, but the idea that it's typical male behaviour is very strange. Honestly - it's just a lot more comfortable to sit that way.

'Mansplaining' is another one. Obviously, says feminism, the man is trying to dominate the conversation and tell the woman what to do. Apart from the fact that I've had women 'splaining to me how to my job, how to drive, politics, science and housework, what about the possibility that the man just wants to help? or is just really enthusiastic and wants to share his knowledge? Among neuro-atypicals, telling people all about their latest obsessions is like a love language. It's a gift. An old man tried to help one of my ex girlfriends to parallel park in a small space. She was furious and rude to him, but I'm sure he was just trying to help. I'm terrible at parallel parking and would really love someone to come along and guide me in. When did giving advice become a put-down? When did wanting to tell everybody about some amazing thing you've been reading about become abusive? Certainly people may be boring or inappropriate, or they can come over as arrogant or over-bearing (especially we neuro-diverse types) but we're not attacking you. Why would you think that?

I had this back when I was at Brighton Poly back in the 80s. I was very opinionated. I did ask my friends in the group if they minded me speaking up so much and they didn't seem to mind. Probably they were being polite. One women though literally hated me for it - me loving the sound of my own voice - telling everyone what to think - dominating the group - arrogant entitled man. The truth though was that I'd never spoken up before. As a child and a teenager I'd always kept my thoughts to myself. People talked over me or just ignored me so I gave up trying. This was the first place I'd ever been encouraged to speak up and I guess the dam burst. It was amazing. 

This is the problem - even intelligent insightful women tend assume that men feel dominant and confident. So if a man is holding forth a bit too much or offering unsolicited advice, the woman's response is often to try to cut him down to size - put him in his place. At that point the man may appear hurt or angry and then the woman customarily tells him he has a fragile ego. As far as she's concerned he saw himself as being in the more powerful position - talking down to her, and her response seems impertinent - not respecting his status. But often that's not at all how it is. He may feel anxious or insecure. Maybe he's trying to impress her. He may have low self-esteem. Maybe he's an introvert. Being a man is all about trying to look like you know what you're doing, even when you don't (especially when you don't). He doesn't feel like he's above her - he wants to be on a level with her. So when she 'puts him in his place' what's actually happening is she's putting him back down beneath her. No wonder he's upset. Humiliation is a terrible thing.

Women don't seem to realise the power they have. Feminism has convinced at least some of them that they still have none relative to men. For many men that simple generalisation is just so obviously wrong it's baffling. (One thing men seldom claim to understand is what goes on in women's heads). A lot of the time, men just don't feel powerful in relation to women. We just don't. I certainly never have. 

But what would I know about what goes on in men's heads? I'm just a man.

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