After the death-toll on young men, I'd say the biggest way in which things are worse for men is masculinity itself. I know some people, men and women, really like it but for those of us that don't fit the mould it's a punishing master.
Square peg - round hole - big hammer
This chapter will be something of a recapitulation of things I've said previously but they deserve repeating. The first thing to point out is that we should keep in mind an image of ordinary working men in overalls and high-viz jackets, perhaps working on the roads or heavy industry, rather than what many people seem to imagine the average man looks like - a neatly turned out executive in a suit. For middle-class people, such norms are to a much greater extent, optional - they can choose whether to be 'real men' or not, whereas in poor and working class communities (by far the larger part of the population) you fit in or go under.
The first thing is the simple assumption that men are tough - we can handle hardship and pain and are therefore given the worst jobs - the dirtiest and most physically degrading - the ones with most chance of injury or death, including construction, infrastructure maintenance, waste disposal, heavy industry, driving, shipping, mining, and of course, going to war. Of course the risks are less nowadays with more mechanisation and health & safety legislation, but still, women are not expected to do these jobs, and very few apply for them. Capitalism has pulled quite a con, convincing men that these jobs have some special honour and dignity attached to them but perhaps if they didn't, nobody would do them. Men may get paid more to do these jobs - perhaps as a form of danger money - but nowhere near enough to compensate for the loss of life and fitness involved. Women's jobs may be tedious and menial, but they're rarely life-threatening.
Secondly, young men are expected to prove themselves with various dangerous activities - maybe sports (sports injuries are not a trivial part of the NHS budget) but if not (if the young man has no special talent) then drinking too much, driving too fast, getting involved in crime or pulling idiotic stunts are the alternative. This is the male equivalent of the kinds of incessant dieting and fretting about their appearance that women do and that is so universally seen as oppressive to women. The assumption again is to assume that men have more power over this acting out, but either way, social expectations are powerful and all-but inescapable for most people. The fact that girls and boys often have fun proving themselves, showing off and finding new ways to impress both their peers and potential sexual partners doesn't take away from the fact that it is also hugely stressful and demanding, especially, as I said, for those who don't fit the ideal.
Which brings me to the third and perhaps worst part of the problem which is the fact that men far more than women cannot talk about their problems or ask for help. Obviously, working in dangerous conditions and having risky leisure activities always brings the possibility that things could go terribly wrong. You might be injured and unable to work or support a family, but also, failing to make money or to make friends is a deep disgrace among men - one that usually cannot be expressed openly. Women generally, traditionally, can talk to their friends much more openly about what's going on - partly because they can always blame men when things go wrong. Men have no one else to blame, except maybe the boss, but even then the expectation is that they will soldier on and not make a big deal of it. Feminism has created a huge support culture whereby everything that goes wrong in women's lives can in some way be attributed to men or patriarchy, whereas men just have to take it on the chin - the buck stops there. Capitalism and traditional working class mores tell men they mustn't whine - just get on with it. Neither sex is in a good position but at least women can get it off their chests and find some sort of solidarity. Trades unions served something of the same purpose in the past for men but unless the problem was something material - like low pay or bad working conditions, men just had to suck it up, and now trades unions have far less power anyway so that's that.
That's not to say men do nothing about their problems - generally self-medication and self-harm. Men get drunk or stoned, or gamble or take stupid risks, leading to unemployability, crime, homelessness and ultimately, suicide - all of which are far more common among men than women. I was in a debate about prostitution - about how terrible it is - mainly for women. "Why don't these women have access to good careers?" they said "like the men?", but the equivalent men are not professionals and executives. The equivalent men - with no other legitimate means of making a living - are drug dealers and petty thieves, having to deal daily with addiction and organised crime, and the limited life-expectancy that entails. It could be argued that women have something to sell that most men don't, and that with well-run brothels and online video, that is by far the safer option. It's a hard reach to see prostitution as better than anything but given the alternative, I'm not so sure.
Women often cite 'being left holding the baby' as a major burden in life but in fact it means that women are more likely to have something to live for, and more likely to get some sort of accommodation and benefits, which, unless the father is given custody, men rarely have. Women's many 'attempted suicides' have been put down to women being less intrinsically violent than men, when in reality, it's because whereas a woman's attempt may be 'a cry for help', men don't expect help. There really is no one there for you a lot of the time. Besides, if you really want to kill yourself you can throw yourself off a tall building. There's no 'attempted' about it.
Still the suspicion remains (I know because I have it) that men are tough and powerful and therefore, not only do they not have to put up with any of this if they don't want to, they actually enjoy it, and I'm sure that's true of some, but most of us are not tough and powerful. I know this is hard to register, which is why I keep repeating it, but most men have no power to speak of at all, and many of us do not fit the masculine mould. Some of us learn to go along with it (often with profound psychological damage) but many of us don't, or can't. I guess we're invisible. Women seem to have such a misguided view of what being a man is really like. Women as much as men expect men to be strong and silent. Introverted and anxious men, and men with low self-esteem may be viewed with puzzlement by women - seen as losers and wimps. Often women only discover how troubled men are once they get involved and it becomes impossible to keep up the mask (much like a woman when she takes off the make-up and support garments). Men are expected to appear relaxed and confident when approaching a woman when many of us feel anything but. Most of us have no talent for acting and the result is shame and humiliation. I've heard women complain - incredulous - that men handle rejection so badly - the assumption being that we're all so sure of ourselves, surely being turned down (often quite rudely) by women should be water off a drake's back. How can women, after all this time, get this so very wrong? Why do they think rejection and humiliation is such a trivial matter in anyone's life? World wars have started for less. There should be a rich literature on the history of humiliation in world politics. Why do women think it matters so little? Being a loser, for men, is enough to lead to that spiral of self-medication and self-harm I mentioned above. But again I suppose they reason that he should be able to man up and shrug it off, and if he can't there's something wrong with him - doubling down on his loser status. And so, unsurprisingly, we get Incels.
Masculinity is a bastard. Some people like that sort of thing but we shouldn't all be forced to join in. I've always run against it but it has cost me dear. For a while there in the late 20th Century we had 'New Men' and 'Metrosexuals', and I had hope for us but it was just a middle-class faze it seems. Most men still don't talk about their feelings or 'feel comfortable with their feminine side'. Now if you want to be un-masculine you have to identify as gay, queer or trans (or maybe gender-neutral or non-binary), but outside the Woke progressive clique this is not really an option. I don't look typically feminine and I am heterosexual, so I don't fit there either. I did a bit in the 80s but people weren't so keen to define themselves then. You could just be 'alternative'.
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